Friday, August 09, 2013

Coping with pain after sociopath discard

Coping with pain after sociopath discard

Being in a relationship with a sociopath, can be a whirlwind of emotions. You can be told one thing, yet actions never match the words. There are different types, some are more openly narcissistic and abusive, others, are more charismatic.

The regular pattern of a narcissist is

  • Idealise
  • Devalue
  • Discard

Whilst all sociopaths are narcissists, not all narcissists are sociopaths.

The sociopath, is a compulsive pathological liar. Because of this, you do not always witness the devalue stage to your face. The more charismatic that the sociopath is, the less likely you will witness the devalue stage. Remember that the sociopath finds being honest, and telling the truth, more difficult to say, than the lie.

This means that you can see the relationship move swiftly, from idealise – discard, and not witness the devalue stage. The devaluing stage is happening, but not to your face. It will be happening behind your back. The narcissist would openly devalue you, put you down, belittle you and will undermine you. A charismatic sociopath struggles with the truth. For the charismatic sociopath, telling the truth is more painful than telling the lie, or keeping up pretence. Due to this, it is common, that you will not witness the relationship coming to an end, as you would in an ordinary relationship. It is often sudden and without warning.

Another way for a sociopath to end the relationship, might be to behave really unreasonable. To refuse to talk to you, pick a fight, or be overly controlling. This is deliberate behaviour is designed to infuriate you, so that you find him intolerable, and end the relationship yourself.

Often, there is no warning at all. The sociopath will disappear from your life, suddenly and without warning.

However the relationship comes to an end, it is often shocking. You are left with your senses reeling, and feeling absolutely confused about what has just happened. Sometimes you can be with the sociopath one day, and he is telling you how much he loves you, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The next day, he is gone. Or the next day, for no reason at all there will be a huge argument, and you are left wondering how did that happen, and ultimately, blame yourself.

What is the effect of sociopath discard?

The lack of closure at the end of the relationship with the sociopath can be particularly damaging. It can delay healing, and it can leave you feeling, that the relationship is not quite over. You might feel:

  • Confused
  • Bewildered
  • Lost
  • Desperate for answers
  • A longing and neediness to understand
  • Wanting back the honeymoon stage
  • Unsure if the relationship is actually over or not?
  • Self-blame
  • Manipulated, conned and deceived

More than likely the biggest feeling will be one of confusion.   You might be unsure if the relationship is actually over, because it has happened so suddenly and there was no build up, no warning, no time to prepare. It can feel shocking.

The one thing that you will likely feel is desperate for is answers. Sadly, the one person that can give you those answers is usually the person that you were in the relationship with.  However, being involved with a sociopath, this is not likely to happen. It shouldn't happen, because the sociopath is the last person that you should seek for answers.

It is normal to want answers. Answers give understanding, and help with closure. Without this, you can feel lost and unsure of what is happening.

In a healthy, normal relationship, the following things happen prior to breakup

  • Negative or limited communication
  • Emotional distance
  • Lack of physical warmth
  • Time apart
  • Feeling negative towards your partner, and unable to see positive things about them
  • Thoughts about the relationship coming to an end
  • Feeling unhappy

Normal and healthy relationships can and do come to an end. However, normally, some of the relationship breakup is experienced whilst still in the relationship.

With a sociopath, the above warning signs are often not present. With a sociopath, you may have had suspicions that things are going wrong,  but the sociopath will lie, manipulate, and deceive. If you raise questions about your suspicions, you will be told that you are crazy, and that it is not really like that at all.

You might question your mind whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, but the sociopath is good at continuing to deceive you. Not wanting to be hurt, or to have another relationship breakdown, you accept the explanations.

This is why it is particularly difficult and painful, when you experience discard from the sociopath. You are left feeling confused.

Why does the sociopath discard in this way?

There are many reasons why the sociopath will suddenly discard his partner. Always, the reasons have little to do with you. It has everything to do with him and his needs and wishes.

The sociopath wears a mask. But he will only wear that mask for as long as he is getting what he wants. The sociopath is not emotionally connected, to you or anybody else. Whilst the sociopath might show connection, this would only be a disguise, to to serve his own needs.

When the sociopath realises that he can have better supply elsewhere, Or if he feels that supply with you is coming to an end he will leave you without warning. The sociopath would have sourced a new victim for supply, but this would have been done behind your back and without your knowledge.

To do so, it is likely that the sociopath, needed to play victim, to the new source. Often they would have made complaints about you, to gain sympathy and win support. Again, this will be something that you have absolutely no knowledge of, until later.

The sociopath works hard to ensure that his pathway for escape is clear.

You might think, well, if he doesn't want to be with me anymore, why can't he give me closure, why can't he call me? Why can't he meet with me?

The reason is simple, and it is four things

  • The sociopath is selfish, and only thinks of his own needs
  • He might want to come back for further source of supply at a later date
  • To prevent exposure
  • To stay in control

How do you get over this?

You might wonder how do you get over this? How can you get over this if you have no answers? You also might wonder if the sociopath is going to come back, and you could have a longing for the honeymoon period again. You might be left feeling bewildered and confused.

  • Remember NOBODY stays confused forever
  • Remember that the sociopath is a liar, you couldn't get the truth when you were IN the relationship – you therefore won't get the truth when it has ended
  • No contact is the way for YOU to regain control
  • Block email, phone, text, social networking sites, and take back control of you, and your life
  • Yes YOU can choose to move on from this!
  • Read as much as you can. Find out as much information as you can. The more you learn and understand, the quicker you will become set free
  • Take back your energy, and start loving YOU
  • Every day do something which makes you happy
  • Stay with the present
  • Think positive (you are what you think)
  • Realise that this is NOT your fault, there is nothing that you did wrong (no matter what he says)
  • Don't waste time wondering what he is doing
  • Make contact with others who have been through the same thing
  • Make yourself some new life goals
  • Be gentle on yourself
  • The most important rule of all is to NOT expect closure or answers from the sociopath
  • Remember – the sociopath is the liar, and if he gets back in touch, it is only because he wants to use you for further supply – you deserve better
  • Also remember that this is not just you, there are millions of us who have been through the same thing.
  • Most important of all, is to forgive yourself, and start loving you again! 
~ Two years later, still "jailed" for my indiscretion in having this relationship at all, I struggle daily with alienation. Weeks, months go by without communicating with Anyone. I'm still accused of bad behavior and weakness, fueled by being publicly diagnosed bipolar. Self hatred combined with fleeting moments of feeing free of the source of my craziness...  In, out, up, down, good, bad, ugly, beautiful, sad, happy, suicidal, angelic, ...what else would you call it?  A rotten cycle that has eaten my life from the core and all the edges inward. If this helps you to understand me, great. This is not feeling sorry for myself. This is being detached from life by my own personal distrust, fueled by distrust and impatience from those I've clung to, to get back. It just screams to let go, leave, fuck them all, You included. I see everything as a trap, because everything I've tried seems to backfire. Greed, jealousy, indifference, self-absorption ... Nothing I do is good enough to keep my place at the table. I'm getting damnedgood at cleaning up and doing dishes.  Next come Depends.  Blah, blah, blah. Next....

~A.

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