Oh bouy,

Wherefore art thou?….

identifying as autistic

For a woman in her 70s, identifying as autistic can bring significant benefits, even late in life. These include self-understanding, access to support, and validation of lifelong experiences. Due to historical diagnostic criteria and the tendency for autistic women to "mask" their traits, many have gone undiagnosed for decades

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Benefits of late identification

1. Provides a framework for understanding past experiences

• Redefines a life story: Identification can reframe a person's life experiences, replacing feelings of being "different" or "flawed" with the recognition of a neurodevelopmental condition.
• Explains lifelong challenges: Difficulties with social interactions, sensory sensitivities, and intense interests are no longer unexplained quirks but traits of autism. This can provide immense peace of mind.
• Alleviates self-blame: A person can stop blaming themselves for past social struggles, misunderstandings, and perceived failures. 

2. Opens doors to practical support and accommodations

• Entitlement to services: An official diagnosis can qualify an individual for disability-related services and supports, such as assistance with housing, health care, and financial benefits like Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI).
• Workplace accommodations: For those still employed, a diagnosis provides protection under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) and supports requests for reasonable accommodations to improve their work environment.
• Informed healthcare: With a diagnosis, healthcare providers can offer more effective and appropriate care. Autistic women are at a higher risk of having their physical and mental health concerns dismissed, and a diagnosis ensures their medical team better understands their needs. 

3. Enhances personal well-being

• Self-advocacy: Identifying as autistic helps a person become a better self-advocate, articulating their specific needs and requesting necessary support from family, friends, and professionals.
• Community and identity: Connecting with other autistic individuals and communities can reduce feelings of isolation and foster a positive autistic identity. This can be especially powerful for women who have spent decades feeling alone.
• Improved quality of life: Overall well-being can improve by allowing a person to live more authentically and manage their environment to better suit their sensory and social needs. 

Identification considerations for older women

1. "Masking" behavior

• Many autistic women develop complex coping mechanisms, or "masking," to hide their autistic traits and blend in socially. This can lead to misdiagnosis or having their difficulties dismissed by professionals who only see the surface-level presentation.
• Years of masking can lead to significant stress and burnout, which may be mistaken for anxiety or other psychiatric conditions. 

2. Historical diagnostic bias

• Historical diagnostic criteria for autism were based primarily on male presentations, with female presentations often being more subtle or internalized.
• Older autistic women came of age during a time when autism was poorly recognized, leading to the condition being missed entirely or mislabeled. 

3. Differences in presentation

• Autistic traits in women can appear differently. While social challenges are still present, autistic women may appear to have better social skills due to learned behaviors, even if they find social interactions emotionally draining.
• Special interests may also differ. While stereotyped interests like trains are often associated with autism, women may have intense interests in topics like psychology, fiction, or specific animals. 

An autistic woman in her 70s shunned by her children may be experiencing the painful, and not uncommon, outcome of lifelong misunderstandings rooted in neurodivergence

. The dynamic could be exacerbated by a late-in-life or undiagnosed autism, combined with historical family trauma. 

Potential reasons for family estrangement

For older, late-diagnosed autistic women:

• Decades of misunderstandings: An older woman who was never diagnosed with autism would have had no explanation for social and communication differences. Her children may have interpreted her autistic traits—such as difficulty with emotional expression or misreading social cues—as coldness, apathy, or neglect.
• Intense interests interpreted as disinterest: An autistic person's tendency to focus on intense, specific interests can be misinterpreted as self-absorption. A mother's preoccupation with her hobbies could have been perceived by her children as prioritizing her interests over their emotional needs.
• "Masking" burnout and emotional dysregulation: Many autistic women learn to "mask" or suppress their autistic traits to fit in, which can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. As they age, the energy required to maintain this facade can lead to burnout, resulting in more unfiltered behaviors and emotional dysregulation that children may find challenging.
• Strained communication: Autistic individuals may struggle with typical communication, expressing themselves in a way that others perceive as blunt, rude, or overly literal. Over a lifetime, these communication differences can build into painful communication ruptures that create distance.
• Late diagnosis as a catalyst: For some, receiving a late autism diagnosis can be both a relief and a source of grief. When the older mother finally understands her life through an autistic lens, it can lead to tension if her children are unwilling to reconsider past conflicts or accept her new self-understanding. 

For the adult children of an autistic mother:

• Unacknowledged neurodiversity: Many children of late-diagnosed autistic parents struggle to accept or understand the diagnosis. They may reject their mother's lived experience, seeing it as an "excuse" for past behavior rather than a core aspect of her identity.
• Unresolved trauma: Growing up with an autistic parent can be confusing, especially without an explanation for their differences. This can lead to unhealed childhood wounds or trauma related to misunderstandings, unmet needs, or perceived parental neglect.
• Difficulty with emotional connection: Adult children may harbor resentment over a perceived lack of emotional intimacy with their mother during childhood. While this may have stemmed from her autism-related difficulties with expressing emotions, they may see her inability to connect in a way that meets their needs as a deliberate act.
• Frustration with boundary violations: Autistic individuals may struggle with boundaries, sometimes due to a different understanding of social rules. When adult children set boundaries, their autistic mother might struggle to respect them, leading to further conflict and a desire for distance. 

Seeking support for the older autistic woman

For an older autistic woman experiencing estrangement, navigating her family relationships can be immensely difficult. Support resources are available to help her process her experiences and build a new support system.

• Autism-focused support groups: Organizations like the Autism Spectrum News and the Asperger/Autism Network (AANE) offer specific support groups for older autistic adults. These can provide a space to connect with peers who share similar life experiences and receive validation.
• Neurodiversity-affirming therapy: A therapist who specializes in neurodiversity can help process the grief and trauma associated with a late diagnosis and family estrangement.
• Building a "chosen family": Focusing on building new relationships and a community of support outside the biological family can help combat loneliness and isolation. This can include friends, mentors, or other community members who are accepting and understanding.
• Advocacy resources: Organizations like the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (ASAN) provide resources that help autistic individuals understand their rights and advocate for themselves.
• Financial and living assistance: As she ages, an autistic woman may also need support in areas like housing or financial planning. Resources for older adults with disabilities can be found through organizations like Autism Speaks and local government services. 

Adrienne L den Tex

adtmarin@aol.com